Insight to a Juice Cleanse

I have a dear neighbor friend Annabelle that likes to make grand plans with me.  Some of the  plans we do and others we just say we’ll get to.  After the first of the year, she told me about a place selling Healthy Meals and that they were offering a deal;  for my local buddies/family its called Simply Fit Meals.  I looked into it and figured for the deal they were offering I could give it a try.  Its 10 meals for $55, which isn’t too shabby and works out to be $5.50 a meal … it’s fresh and healthy. 
There was also a deal for a 3 day Juice Cleanse. 

The deal for the Juice Cleanse was not as appealing.  It was a deal for 3 days with $25 off the original price of $150!  SHAKA LACKA!  Erik shook his head at me for that one, so my neighbor and I talked about building up to it and trying it some day.  

Next thing I know, Annabelle found Dr. Oz’ juice cleanse and said she could easily get the ingredients and make the juices for us if I was on board to do it with her.  I said,  “yes, what the hell.  Lets do it.” I’ll pay for half of the ingredients and we’ll start ASAP!

It started out a a sweet picture of all the ingredients. 
Juice Cleanse Pep Talk Pic
I asked not to know what went into each of the drinks because if I knew what was in it, I would likely not be able to drink it.  So Annabelle brought me a bag with 5 bottles full of my daily intake for the next 3 days.

Day 1:
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I forgot to take a picture of the afternoon snack which is also green and as much liquid as shown in lunch. 

Before I share my experience with Juice Cleansing, I will note that I read an article by a guy who shared his experience and I was really expecting to be 100% incapacitated and starved.

My breakfast was actually not too bad.  It wasn’t much as you can see from the bottle in the picture.  I didn’t even make a face when I swallowed it.  It had a ginger-ish taste to it and I couldn’t really make out the other ingredients.  Off to a good start.  I felt good.  This can’t be so bad! 

My morning snack came around 10am when I had a conference meeting in a room full of coworkers who were blown away at the smell that came from my bottle of green juice.  We sat around the table guessing would it was…. most certainly cucumbers.  Hey! I like cucumbers.  I think it might have some ginger in it too… First 2 or 3 sips was okay.  I finished the rest of it at my desk BARELY.  It got worse as I went along.  I can only imagine the look on my face as I tried to get it down.  But… I did it.

So far, I feel full and content but I did add a bottle of water with crystal light with energy mainly b/c its non-sugar and I needed the caffeine.  I needed to burp up something other than that green snack.

Lunch came around and I had to wait until about 1pm to open it up and drink it because I really didn’t feel hungry.  I am told this is going to taste something like gazpacho soup.  I’ll be honest here—I have no idea what gazpacho soup tastes like but I can tell you that I hate the word gazpacho and everything in it.  Much like the morning snack, I had to talk myself into taking another gulp.  Gross.  Seriously.  To compare it to a nice soup people pay money for is just wrong.

In my head I kept saying “WHEN WILL IT END!?! I took the biggest swig EVER, why isn’t the juice going away!! THERE IS SO MUCH IN HERE!!!”  BLECH!  Finally—I got that down.  I cursed along the way… grumbled, groaned and gagged.

Annabelle checked in with me to see how I was doing.  I feel our relationship is on a level where I can be 100% honest with her and tell her plainly, “This sucks”.   She was a real trooper.  She was almost too peppy and luckily she was feeling the same pain as me except she used words like, “Pretty juice” and “Yummy” which made me want to smack her.   I couldn’t tell if she was trying to psych herself up or me or what.  It wasn’t working.

My afternoon snack was a bottle of green hell.  I can’t even begin to tell you what was in it because my breath and my mouth were still trying to forget the lunch I had which most certainly had onions in it.  I feel really sorry for my co workers who sit beside me because with each drink from lunch on, I was making noises that no co worker should be making.   

I’ll be frank with you, I peed about the same as usual on the first day but I did have an increase in poop.  Yes, I said poop.  Sorry but we’re human.  I decided later in the day that my company has not been supplying us with Cottenelle or even Charmine.  I am confident the toilet paper they buy has shards of glass in it as the #1 ingredient.  I’m just sayin, I felt like I had been striped of my hind end.  I was turning angry.  My ass was on fire.

I began to doubt my friend.  Is she stronger willed than me?  Will we survive these 3 days and still be friends?  I mean, I am not happy at all.  I sort of need someone to be miserable with and Annabelle seemed to be having a GREAT day and feeling no pain.

Annabelle had suggested that I drink my dinner juice on my way home but I could barely get the afternoon snack down and the red juice only had me thinking “what could possibly be in that damn bottle!?”  I decided to hold off until I got home to give that a try.  I really didn’t want to spill or throw up in my car, specially the redness that was in that bottle—there’s no way that stain would ever come out!

Pretty or not, that dinner SUCKED.  I did not get it down.  I tried. I really did.  But it was ungodly.  Who the hell came up with this blend?  Dr. OZ!  You Jerk!  Thankfully Annabelle said that I was allowed to have some fresh fruit, so I ate dried apples and it was the best thing I had put in my mouth all day.

My night into day 2 was rough.  I tossed and turned and I could tell my stomach was upset.  I felt empty inside.  I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a brick or if you have ever had the flu or food poisoning.. it felt like the day after when you are beginning to recover but you still feel weak.   I weighed in…. and lost 2lbs.  Okay… so maybe the 2lbs helped push me through and got me to work that day.

Day 2:

As I said, I felt weak to start the day.  I felt like I had made a horrible decision to do this cleanse.  It wasn’t even 9am and I was already craving Urban Crust Pizza and I would even settle for chicken broth.  I drank my morning juice breakfast and it was do-able.  It was the morning snack that I was dreading and the lunch and the afternoon snack and the dinner. 

I checked in with Annabelle to make sure we are both feeling the same today and she shares that she had a rough night herself.  Her husband was apparently grumbling and offended by the smell of onions that was seeping from her pores and he kept waking up through the night to readjust his nose so that he was facing away from her and could not bare to snuggle his juicing wife. 

This is serious stuff people!  Erik quit calling me during lunch because he was afraid I would be too upset to hear him enjoying his lunch on the other end of the line.

My coworkers started to feel sorry for me as they heard me groaning and moaning in my office.  Oddly enough I really wasn’t peeing much and hadn’t pooped all day and because I am so honest with this post, I was pooping air.  I had nothing left.  I was EMPTY and HOLLOW!  I don’t know what was going on but I felt alone and wasn’t sure if anyone would understand what I meant when I say I was pooping air.  I didn’t feel like myself.  I was starting to feel that STARVED feeling and when I felt low, I would turn to my peppy partner in crime Annabelle because I knew she could help pull me to the positive side.

By lunch, Annabelle had lost touch with her positive side… comparing herself to a dead person with a cadaver like appearance  in her face.  I started to notice I was breaking out on my face which hasn’t happened in a long time.  I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel energized… and more than anything…. this is how I was feeling:
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”We have made it this far…. we can do it… we are over the hump and only have 1 more day left…. I don’t think I can finish my snack…. I can’t even finish my lunch”  These are just a few of the things I could remember saying and hearing from Annabelle.  So…. what now?  Are we quitting? 

PLEASE GOD SAY WE ARE QUITTING!

I can’t quit alone here… after all, I signed up for this crappy decision and told Annabelle I would do it with her…. I can’t let her down.  I want to let her down but I can’t.  What will others think?  My co workers are now cheering me on which brought me back to the day I turned 21 and heard chants of “CHUG CHUG CHUG, DRINK BITCH!”  Keep your eye on the prize!  I must say I am not motivated by cheering or positive thoughts because my body and my will to live had flushed away with the pieces of glass in the toilet paper.  I just wanted regular food. 

So…. I begin to tell Annabelle about my idea of the best dinner I could imagine…. soup.   You know, the soup they serve at the Japanese steak house? 
It’s the soup that is clear <—that’s good, right?  It has mushrooms and green onions floating in it…. I was imaging myself swimming in a pool of warm clear brothy soup with slices of mushrooms as my pillow and the green onions as my inner tube.  How simple is that?  I just want some flippin’ hot soup.  You see how serious this has become.  I am now fantasizing about floating in broth.

“So, we made it two days, that’s good, right!?”, Annabelle says.  I think we did a great job…if I do say so myself..  I mean at least we didn’t spend  $150 each at the Simply Fit place and give up half way through it.  Right!? 

So my description of this heavenly soup to Annabelle led us to finding a recipe for it in a matter of seconds and Annabelle says she can make it for us!  “I LOVE YOU ANNABELLE” my stomach said!  I couldn’t wait till dinner time to swing by her house for my cup of soup. 

I skipped my dinner juice and drank clear brothy soup with slices of mushrooms and green onions as if it was my last meal on earth.  It was the BEST SOUP I have ever had.  I couldn’t be happier to say farewell to a juice cleanse in all of my life. 

I woke up on what would have been our 3rd day to weigh in and see how my day 2 was and if I lost anymore weight.  NADA!! I still had only lost a total of 2lbs.  I mean, 2 is better than nothing…. but gosh, what a let down. 
Maybe it was the finale soup that did me in—or the fact that I added half of my salt shaker to the bowl… I don’t know.. all I know is I am glad its over.  I think this is great for someone who can handle the ingredients and coldness and amount of liquid you have to swallow… but its not for me.  I’m glad I tried it.. and I’m glad I had a friend to do it with me!

Signed,

Never AGAIN will I do a Juice Cleanse Janette Johanson.
#JUICEFAIL


 

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11 comments:

Amy said...

Oh my goodness, that sounds horrific! I don't have the willpower to do a cleanse (or desire), and this just solidified my lack of desire. Funny how you described it, though.

Annabelle Baxter said...

I really think we should try it again. Now that it's two days later, I don't think it really was that bad. (ducks to avoid heavy objects Janette is throwing at her)

Heather said...

I was debating on doing a juice cleanse but I think I will pass now.

Connie @ Measured by the Heart said...

I kinda want to do a juice cleanse note.

Rachel said...

Thank you for the much needed laugh tonight! I have wanted to start juicing but I think I will stick to the tasty ones that I can have for breakfast or lunch ;)

Stacie said...

I feel so bad for laughing all the way through this, its not the situation that is funny, just the way that you retell it!

Emmy said...

That sounds so awful! I have never had a desire to do one of these and yea you just cemented it in my mind for sure.

Sarah Shumate said...

Blech. Worst idea you've had EVER! I'm glad you survived. The next time you spend three days drinking your dinner, it's going to be vodka, right? ;o)

Kenzie S said...

You know I kind of toyed around with the idea of doing a juice cleanse.. but after reading this, um no thanks.

Toni :O) said...

Thanks for the public service announcement of never doing a juice cleanse! LOL! :0)

Mrs. Match said...

Lol!! Pooping air. hilarious. and you just described the awful stomach virus I'm getting over. I've read that juice cleanses don't really help you lose real.weight. I tried one once years ago, and I felt pretty awful. the human body is made to eat every day, and not just drink liquids! Thanks for the great laugh!!

 
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